4 weeks

4 weeks isnt a lot of time when you think about the larger aspect of time. But the last 4 weeks have dragged on and on. It is so cliche, minutes feeling like hours, hours feeling years, but I see now where it comes from. Time has stopped, for me anyways. What brought this on?

I had been dating a girl for the last 3+ years. Times were never completely perfect, they can never be. But they were good. Surprise dance parties, sitting on the couch, cuddling while watching our favorite shows, cooking meals together, falling asleep the same way every night (butt to butt, i couldnt sleep unless mine was touching hers).

And things were once magical. How couldnt they be from the start. I used to get flushed every single time I saw her. Id get so worked up from the excitement of seeing her (it was long distance for the first 2.8 years) that I'd just get so nervous right before walking in. All i wanted was the hug and kiss. And the sex, god it was wonderful. We only got each other once a week (every weekend) so we took full advantage of our bed time.

And after the time, the flushing stopped, and the long hugs and kisses hello became little pecks. And just a few months ago, we finally made the plunge and moved in. Though everything wasnt magical, it was ours and we were living it together.

The sex had pretty much stopped. Partly due to my insecurities about gaining weight, and the fact that my sex drive comes and goes quicker than the seasons. But also because, it was becoming evident that my partner didnt find me as attractive as she once did. She started talking to teammates, and becoming very standoffish and shady. Going out with friends, and not texting (we text all day every day) and not talking. Our conversations revolved around the funny things so and so did, and how cute so and so was at practice when she (insert something ridiculous and uncute here).

Im not a jealous person, but i became jealous. The attention I wanted, the attraction i needed back from her, was being spent on someone else.

And then it happened. The confrontation. Are you sleeping with someone else? "No. But I really wanted to".

Great. What kept her from stopping (i dont fully believe there was stopping)? She loved me too much. Im hurt. Im shaking and crying and cannot get words out. But we decide to work on it.

This lasted a week. The days before she broke up with me she didnt talk to me for most of the day. I was trying to be lovey and cute and she wanted nothing to do with it. Id send her pictures of me in my lingerie, and she'd respond with "Haha, lovely". Just what every girl wants to hear.

And then one monday night (after what i thought was a fantastic sunday) it happened. I want to be friends. "OK", "Thats it?" she said. But at that point what else was I supposed to say. I cried for hours that night, and the next night, and pretty much every night after.

And after plenty of details I dont feel like dwelling upon, here I am. Fine all day, but once again i hop into bed, in the apartment we shared, and i begin to cry again. Its like clockwork.

Its just not fair; not the breakup itself, because they happen; but the fact that I have to be here in the apartment we decorated together, with all of her things still here, even after a month, and she gets to go off, and not see anything of ours daily, and live her life happily. Shes not surrounded by the memories of it all day after day after day.

I ask her when shes going to move her stuff out and she says "Im sorry but i have nowhere to put my stuff right now". Like that is my fault? Id understand if I broke us up, but it wasnt my idea, or my intention, so her stuff should no longer be my problem. So why dont I push it?

Becuase in some sick sad fantasy world I am living in post-breakup; it means that theres still a chance. Why do we hold on to people, even when they hurt us more than anyone ever has? I may have been cheated on. I have been told I am not attractive to her anymore. That I dont read enough, or do dishes properly, or am as interested in the things she likes as much as her. Like i couldnt say the same things back?!?! (Well not entirely the same, I had my own problems with little things she did). We were in a "rut that we might never get out of." And she hopes now I can be happy with myself and work on finding the things that make me happy again?

Do you know what the worst way to make someone happy is (besides yourself). Breaking up with them and telling everything they do wrong. Because in the end, it is all they will dwell on.

I have seen her 1 time in the past 4 weeks. Before this the longest we had ever gone without seeing each other was a week. Its so hard, and I cant imagine getting over it. I want to get over it. But all I do is imagine her, being free now, hooking up with the girl who broke us up. Or just hooking up with whomever. And im home, being sad because I cant motivate myself to go out as much as I could (plus I have a full apartments rent to pay, instead of half).

4 weeks of tears, and living on my own. I am learning different things every week though. I made chili for the first time this week, from scratch, which was always her specialty. I clean the apartment now more that I ever have before (long blonde hair sheds all over everything, especially when most of the furniture is black). Im really trying to work on me, be me again as a single entity, before I go exploring for anything else.

I know they say it takes time. Im giving it time, its all I have. And i know one day I will wake up and wonder why I was ever sad about this in the first place. It just sucks every day before that day of awakening actually happens.