The list

So since this is really for me, and no one else reads it, Ive decided I need to make a list of what hurt the most during and after the breakup. I dont know whats going to happen in the future, so I want to have a clear mind about everything that went wrong. This is purely for my own edification.

1. You were shady. You flirted, and though you may not have physically cheated, you emotionally did.

2. You stated you wanted to work on the relationship, and after a few days just broke it off.

3. I know this is because you wanted to sleep with someone else. In essence you left me for a thinner, younger, friskier model.

4. You were still shady after the breakup. You stated you wanted to be friends, then ignored me. Then a month later told me you missed me and wanted to come back. I gave you time to think it over, and you used that time to start dating the other girl. Never once did you tell me that you were dating though we talk almost every day. i had to find out from the internet.

5. You stayed with me through your birthday, because you wanted your gifts. A week later, this was over. You specifically told me you didnt know how much of staying together was because you loved me, or because I was so generous.

6. When you were questioning getting back together you stated "I dont think I will ever find someone who loves me as much as you do."  I need someone who says "I dont think I will ever find someone I love as much as you"

7. You broke my heart a minimum of 3 times in the course of 5 months.

8. You left me in a city where none of my friends lived, in an apartment I had to pay for on my own, with all utilities/cable/other bills. And yet, you have the balls to complain to me about how broke you are.

9. Though its shallow, it hurt most that you took her on a picnic, when for 3.5 years I told you all I ever wanted was to go on one.

10. I am annoyed more with myself for still loving someone who could hurt me as much as you did. You couldnt be monogamous and work on things, because you really wanted to fuck someone else. Why would I still love someone who did that? And with other couples, if they get back together after something like this happens, how do you forgive and forget?

11. I understand I let our sex life die. I never felt like it was good enough for you, like I had no idea what I was doing with you. I apologize for that. This is a ridiculous self-conscious issue that I am now aware of, and will not allow to happen again in the next relationships to come.

I am not one of those people that mind being alone. I dont need to run from one relationship to another. I think the reason that this particular breakup is as bad as it is for me is that I dont have the people around me that I usually have. My friends are all an hour away, so its just me, in an apartment that is filled with things that remind me of our life together. I get out as much as I can, but with my sports season ending, and winter beginning its just going to be more difficult to get out. Also, with the way the breakup happened, and the person she went to after, my confidence has diminished. I used to be able to go out and talk to anyone. Im a shell of shyness now.

I need to get the fuck over it and start moving on. I need to start having confidence in me and my body again. I use this arena as a way to express when Im sad, but Im actually usually really happy with my life. I survived a breakup, and have a wonderful apartment that I am still able to (barely) afford. I still have enough money that I can go out and be social. Step by step, baby steps or not, Im moving on. It may not have been as quickly as you did, but the difference is that I go for quality.

but every once in a while...

Im usually ok. A lot has changed in the last 4 months. Ive really worked on moving on, and (re)living my own life again.

But every once in a while I feel like Ive reverted back to the beginning. The last time this happened was when the ex's new fling finally changed her relationship status to "In a relationship". I mean I knew it, but its one thing to know, and another thing to see something.

And then it leads my mind to wander about everything. I think the fact that the holidays are coming up make it worse. I think about halloween and how we wont be shopping last minute together for costumes. Or thanksgiving, and how critique everyone elses string bean casserole (mines the best) and then spend the friday after having seafood with my family, followed by rugby all day saturday (and complaining how bad the social is). Christmas - how ive written down everything she ever says she wanted in my planner, so i can pick the most perfect gifts, and how she stresses every year bc she has no clue what to get me. New years... no new years kiss. Ill be starting off this new year alone, well most likely, being that I have no flirting skills whatsoever. Believe me, ive tried over these past few months...but when they talk about people with absolutely no game, im pretty sure theyre basing it on me.

The sad part is, these differences are really only for me. She'll just have new traditions. Ill be working on trying not to focus on my lack of them.

I just wish she would actually TELL me they were dating. We still talk, a bit less than 2 months ago, when she was saying she wanted me back... but still enough (daily) that she should be able to say, Im dating ____ and thats that. But she wont. I even bring up their relationship in conversation and she always ignores it. i dont know if shes 1) trying to protect me from something, 2) just being shady, or 3) some other unknown reason.

I just wish i could be that person who breaks up with someone, hates them, and moves on. i cant close off communication no matter how much I try. I wont text her first, but the minute she texts me, i respond. Im like pavlovs dog.

I wish I could be a stronger person. I wish it could just become a thing in my past that i reflect upon once or twice a year. I wish I didnt still love someone who treated me like shit for the last months of our relationship, and left me alone in an apt we were supposed to share together. My bank account hates her, why cant I?

Alone

Good quote from the season finale of Greys

“There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.”

Looking forward

I dont appreciate being jerked around, and I feel thats whats been happening for the past month. I get that people dont know what they want, or miss an old life once in a while, but if you have no idea what you want, then dont bother screwing with me.

This has been my realization over the past few days. Ive stopped talking to the ex. Who knows if it will be forever, or a month, or another day... but it needed to be done. She was becoming bipolar and I just didnt want to deal, no, couldnt deal with it anymore.

Im an addictive personality. I know that if she texts it will take a lot for me to not respond. But I feel this is a step, and hopefully one in the right direction. I want to be happy, and for once, Im going to try really hard to make it happen.

Carpe Diem -  Seize the carp. :)

One is the lonliest number?

I think 0 may be worse but there are plenty of songs that disagree.

So the hurricane is coming, or so they say. My roof is leaking so lets hope tomorrow isnt as bad as they say it will be.

Women are trouble. This ive learned over the past few months, though i knew it for the past few years as well. Ive been helping the ex with some computer problems and in the end have found some pictures of her and her gf (though she never refuses to use the word gf when around me). I understand not knowing what you want in life. I understand being fickle, and attracted to other people. Same thing happened to me a while back. I was attracted to someone else, but I didnt act upon it. She did. We broke up becuase she wanted to have sex with someone else. And now she is. One of the pictures was labeled "my love" which i wouldnt mind as much if she wasnt still fucking with me and telling me how much she missed everything.

Dont say you miss me, dont say you miss our life, especially if your off fucking around, and spending a hurricane weekend in Brooklyn with this girl. Honesty hurts, but at least its honest. I wouldnt be holding on to something if I knew there was nothing there in the long run. So just tell me the truth. Dont be fickle just for the fact that you can have 2 things at one time. Let me move on. Stop texting me, stop flirting with me, just let me be. This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through and i feel like it just wont die.

One of my friends asked me yesterday, is this really what you want. I know the heart wants what it wants. And i know you dont ever just "get over" something. And until I saw these pictures, i was ready to let the infidelity go, and get back if she just said she wanted to. But she never will. Not until Im done and over it anyways. And now knowing that she loved this girl (photos were tiled My love) how could i ever really go back? A fling is one thing, love is another.

My only question is how does one move on, and not be shy and conservitive. Its so much easier when you were flirting beforehand, and had something waiting after a breakup, but i didnt have that. All i have left is insecurity, and doubt. The worst things to satrt first dates off of.

I dont mind who I am but its times likes this I has 5'6, 110 llbs, becuase its much easier for people to want you and check you out under those circumstances.

Goodnight all. Stay dry through this rain

Catching up

So i had the date, or meetup, or whatever it is these things are called. It went well. We talked for over 2 hours. Sadly, I dont think there was anything there for me though. There was so umph, or fireworks, or spark that made me want to go back out as many times as possible. We are going to meet up again on Wed, but I do not have high expectations. At least i can say I got my first blind date out of the way. It only took 30 or so years to do.

The Ex is becoming a pain in my ass again. We hung out almost everyday when i was on vacation. She was flirty, and texty, and got jealous when I was going on a date. She sucked me back in. Im like a yo-yo and when she gets bored she reels me back in. I told her I wasnt going to pursue her. That i made every single advance in our relationship. I also told her it was so hard for me to get over it in the first place. I made the mistake of giving her a time limit to decide what the hell she wants from me.

But since that day, and since she sucked me back in, shes pulled away again. I know shes been hanging out with the other girl, so I ask myself, why on earth do i do this to myself?

Women are emotionally stupid. This I know. We will make the wrong decisions 9 out of 10 times, because we follow the heart, and not the mind. And i keep asking myself, what if you do get back together? Can you ever really trust her again? Is she going to spend the next few months having a little bit of all, because she knows I will take her back after?

I know Im worth a lot. And i know I should never be someones "consideration" and instead their sure thing. No one should have to contemplate whether or not they want to be with me (or with anyone for that matter). Love is supposed to be simple like that. I know she loves me, but none of this is simple.

Instead of a enw years resolution, ive made a 30 resolution to lose the weight Ive gained in these past 3 years. No more drinking during the workweek (and with an apt full of wine, this is a very difficult task). Ive also been working out 4 times a week, 2 days cardio, 2 days weights.

This is where it gets difficult. I dont own a gym, so the ex's gym is the one Ive been using, and shes been showing me how to do the exercises properly. Without the gym, i dont have weights, so i might just have to make it a cardio regiment.

Im really trying to be sensible, and stay away. 2.5 months ago I never thought there would be a time I came home and didnt cry. And that hasnt happened for quite some time now. I dont want to go back to that.

I think the worst thing in the world is the fact that you can never truly get over someone until you find someone else, especially when you dont know who to look for or where or how to do it. Its times like this I wish it was easier to just pick up and go. Starting over is so much easier when youre actually starting everything over, and not just one small piece of your life.

And it begins:

So the date is officially scheduled for Tuesday. I am actualyl nervous about it, because I havent been on a date in almost 4 years. And, its with someone Ive never actually met face to face, which makes things even weirder. But, im still looking forward to it, as you always have to try new things, correct?

So I am now 30. Its so weird to say it. I just celebrated my birthday this week, and went to bed one night, still in my 20s, and woke up in my 30s. Its so weird to think I have to mark off a different check box on things that require me to put my age.

It was a pretty quiet birthday. The day before I had dinner with my Dad and brother and sister. I got lots of gift cards to Bed bath & beyond (which i need) and AmEx gift cards as well (I told them that I dont need more stuff, but I do love to shop). For my actual birthday I did something that I probably shouldnt have. I went to dinner with the Ex. We have been talking a lot more, and Im moving on which is a great thing, but I was sort of sucked back into the situation at dinner. Shes been acting really nice, and making comments about what a mistake she made, and how she wants to come back (but without actually saying it of course). Well thats not entirely true, she said she messed up, and that she misses our life. She says that a lot. i miss our life. But never states that shes still in love with me. We did have a good life, and a good place, and good traditions. But thats not enough for a relationship to work.

I knew something like this would happen the minute I had another date set up. Its like the law of the world, that when you actually start moving on and planning a new future, things from the past will come by to bite you in the ass.

I am happy where I am right now. People keep asking that if, in the future, there was a chance to get back together; would I. I refuse to answer that question, because I think it gives false hope and such. If things are meant to be then they will be. Im going to continue living my life as if nothing will change in this aspect, and just enjoy it as much as possible. Maybe im maturing in my 30s?