Catching up

So i had the date, or meetup, or whatever it is these things are called. It went well. We talked for over 2 hours. Sadly, I dont think there was anything there for me though. There was so umph, or fireworks, or spark that made me want to go back out as many times as possible. We are going to meet up again on Wed, but I do not have high expectations. At least i can say I got my first blind date out of the way. It only took 30 or so years to do.

The Ex is becoming a pain in my ass again. We hung out almost everyday when i was on vacation. She was flirty, and texty, and got jealous when I was going on a date. She sucked me back in. Im like a yo-yo and when she gets bored she reels me back in. I told her I wasnt going to pursue her. That i made every single advance in our relationship. I also told her it was so hard for me to get over it in the first place. I made the mistake of giving her a time limit to decide what the hell she wants from me.

But since that day, and since she sucked me back in, shes pulled away again. I know shes been hanging out with the other girl, so I ask myself, why on earth do i do this to myself?

Women are emotionally stupid. This I know. We will make the wrong decisions 9 out of 10 times, because we follow the heart, and not the mind. And i keep asking myself, what if you do get back together? Can you ever really trust her again? Is she going to spend the next few months having a little bit of all, because she knows I will take her back after?

I know Im worth a lot. And i know I should never be someones "consideration" and instead their sure thing. No one should have to contemplate whether or not they want to be with me (or with anyone for that matter). Love is supposed to be simple like that. I know she loves me, but none of this is simple.

Instead of a enw years resolution, ive made a 30 resolution to lose the weight Ive gained in these past 3 years. No more drinking during the workweek (and with an apt full of wine, this is a very difficult task). Ive also been working out 4 times a week, 2 days cardio, 2 days weights.

This is where it gets difficult. I dont own a gym, so the ex's gym is the one Ive been using, and shes been showing me how to do the exercises properly. Without the gym, i dont have weights, so i might just have to make it a cardio regiment.

Im really trying to be sensible, and stay away. 2.5 months ago I never thought there would be a time I came home and didnt cry. And that hasnt happened for quite some time now. I dont want to go back to that.

I think the worst thing in the world is the fact that you can never truly get over someone until you find someone else, especially when you dont know who to look for or where or how to do it. Its times like this I wish it was easier to just pick up and go. Starting over is so much easier when youre actually starting everything over, and not just one small piece of your life.