July 4th weekend, always great for summer bbqs and parties. I actually didnt partake in any of that this weekend. The closest I got was watching fireworks from my apartment window the other night. I went to my moms house for the weekend, hung out with the family, went to a bar with a friend, which turned into a 7 hour experience, and the addition of 4 other friends. All in all, it was nice, but still felt like something was missing.
On Saturday, the ex came by at 745am to get the rest of her stuff. She came in, and just sat on the couch looking sad for a while. She kept telling me that she felt like she was making a mistake, that no one knew me better than her, and she doubted she would ever find someone who loved her more. She was sad that we had so many inside jokes, and traditions that were just going to go away. We wound up catching up for 2 hours before she started moving things.
At first I was really proud of myself. I didnt cry once, and if youve been reading this blog, which you havent, thats actually pretty hard to believe. Near the end though, especially after all the talking, things got tough. She kept telling me to tell her what to do. I knew I couldnt. Telling me that you are afraid no one will ever love you the way I do is not the same as "i will never love anyone the way that i love you."
In the end she left, both of us crying as it happened. I still cant be mad at her. I really wish that I could, but I love her and I am still thinking that things could change in the long run. She needs to find herself, and I need to re-find myself. I wont be waiting forever, and I hope shes not just playing with me for the sake of keeping me holding on, but I seriously doubt that is the case.
But now its the 4th. Just waiting for the to set, and the fireworks to go off. Tomorrow starts a brand new day
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