Sick

Has something ever upset you so much that it made you physically ill? I spent the past 2 days home, unable to eat, and getting sick every few hours. And all this was brought up because the ex told me she was hooking up with the girl who pretty much broke us up at pride, and i got to see pictures of them together.

Why do our minds do this to us. Affect us so badly that it causes our bodies physical harm?

She will be moving out completely this weekend, and I will finally be free of her, and yet, utterly consumed by her as well. Im so sick of being this person. Literally.

Sublet

If you break up with someone, get your stuff out of the apartment within a month of breaking up, no excuses. Also, dont randomly g-chat the person you broke up with asking "Do you want me to find someone to sublet the apartment from you". Fuck no, I dont want that. Though my finances will suck, I was paying for most of the apartment anyway, so I will stay here thanks.

God I cant wait for pride on Sunday. I seriously need a ridiculously drunk afternoon in the sun

Bars

First off, mixing white wine, red wine and beer in one night is never a good idea. My head keeps reminding me about it, over and over and over this morning.

Secondly, the Bartender at the bar i frequent was hot last night. it was the first time I had really looked at someone in that light in the past few weeks, buy boy he was pretty. I tend to go for the preppy look (both guys and girls) but this guy was grungy t-shirt, tattoos, and just pulled it all off so well.

I was happy to be attracted to someone again, and not having to feel guilty about it. Did I talk to him, yes. However it was all normal bar talk. Did I pursue it further? No. Im far too shy for that kind of stuff, and I still have a lot of "me" work to do before I start playing the field again.

I was thinking about things today regarding breakups. I find it funny that most people dont break up until they have a chance with someone else. Like most breakups I know of didnt occur, wherein the breaker upper wasnt hooking up with someone they had been talking to soon after. The breaker uppee usually takes a while, because they didnt have that kind of thing waiting for them after, and why would they, they didnt know it was going to happen (or they did but they hoped for the best). Maybe its best to just keep having options out there, no matter how happy you are in a relationship. Rebound sex is always great. I say this, but I wont ever really do it, but its nice to make yourself sluttier than you are sometimes.

So now I need to start going to the bar on Wed nights (What healthy goals I set for myself) and maybe something will come of it. Or maybe he will be in a relationship or married and nothing will ever happen, but sometimes eye candy is worth it.

But white wine, red wine and beer mixed... that is never worth it. Ugh, I dont even like white wine.

Just keep swimming...

I dont understand how bipolar people can become. Any by people, I mean me. But I have seen it happen to almost everyone I know at the end of a relationship. I am a pretty strong person, and very stubborn (I dare you to try to make me admit that I am wrong in any fight), but lately I've become so submissive. I make a point like "I will NOT text the ex today" and then I find some ridiculous reason to do it anyway. So last night, after not hearing from her for over a day (and the text messages beforehand were hearing about her sports day and trying to motivate her through ti), I texted that I wasnt going to text her anymore. That it wasnt fair of me to support/motivate her throughout her days when it was evident that she didnt care about my days. I finished it with hoping that she would get her stuff out of the apartment sooner than later, and good luck with everything".

And even after that, I was still hoping for some kind of response today. But I havent heard anything, and I know I wont. Its just nice to know that people care about you the way you care about them, but in this case I guess its not true.

I just dont get why people say "I want to be friends" when they break up and not just "I dont want to be with you anymore". I would prefer that honesty. Its hard enough losing a gf, but its harder when she was your best friend for 3 years, and has no problem just giving you up.

Im seriously looking forward to the day I return back to me. Where I am not this emotional, sad person anymore, who cares about love. I *never* cared about relationships, nor how or why they ended. I figured me time was always good time. And now, Im this bupolar mess, who is perfectly content and happy one second, and a phone checking, facebook stalking, crying fool the next. Its true what they say, women are crazy, and Im living proof.

Where is Lacuna, Inc. when you need it?

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

On the saddle again

Its a good day. Well, the day itself is 80 and gorgeous, but I mean a good day for me. I woke up and didnt feel the need to text the ex (still weird to say ex though) for the first time in a while. I also dont feel the need to check my phone 100 times a day, as I usually do. This makes it a good day.

When hanging out with one of my best and oldest friends yesterday, we made a game of naming the 5 things that I didnt like most about the ex. We figured trying to figure out, and keep constant, the bad things that didnt make the relationship work was a good way to train the mind not to continue to dwell on how amazing and great the relationship was all the time (which is never is, but the mind plays tricks on you during breakups).

I wont go into the list, but I realized I did, and continue to give a lot more than i ever received. One of my faults is that I am too generous, and caring. It stems from coming from a tight knit family, where everyone supports everything you do, and cares when things go wrong. Its also a ridiculous family, in which, if you wanted something (to a limit) you somehow always got it as a surprise little, out of nowhere gift.  I grew up this way and I continue to treat others this way too. If youre upset I will work to make you feel better. If you mention something you saw in a store, ill record it in my memory, and surprise you with it one day (holiday or not). I like that I do it, but it gets a bit disappointing when the person youre with doesnt even attempt to remember things you say.

So now, after a month of working on me, and trying to get into better shape (a little at a time) Im getting to the point where I know the only true way to get over a relationship is to go back out there and play the field. And, no, i dont mean jumping into another relationship. Screw the UHaul mentality. It took me 2.5 years to move in with my last gf, and I am not looking to find another one right away. Nor do I know if i want to date women or men at this point. Im leaving my options open. Its not fair to close your heart off to any one person, and i dont plan on doing it. So its time to get out there, and find some pretty thing to hook up with and test those waters again. I deserve it.

This weekend is Pride weekend in NYC. I will be out with a bunch of my closest friends, and just looking to have a good time. At pride, I know, that there will be really one type of option for me to pursue (or just think about pursuing and really being too shy to do anything as always) but it will be good to get back out there.

4 weeks

4 weeks isnt a lot of time when you think about the larger aspect of time. But the last 4 weeks have dragged on and on. It is so cliche, minutes feeling like hours, hours feeling years, but I see now where it comes from. Time has stopped, for me anyways. What brought this on?

I had been dating a girl for the last 3+ years. Times were never completely perfect, they can never be. But they were good. Surprise dance parties, sitting on the couch, cuddling while watching our favorite shows, cooking meals together, falling asleep the same way every night (butt to butt, i couldnt sleep unless mine was touching hers).

And things were once magical. How couldnt they be from the start. I used to get flushed every single time I saw her. Id get so worked up from the excitement of seeing her (it was long distance for the first 2.8 years) that I'd just get so nervous right before walking in. All i wanted was the hug and kiss. And the sex, god it was wonderful. We only got each other once a week (every weekend) so we took full advantage of our bed time.

And after the time, the flushing stopped, and the long hugs and kisses hello became little pecks. And just a few months ago, we finally made the plunge and moved in. Though everything wasnt magical, it was ours and we were living it together.

The sex had pretty much stopped. Partly due to my insecurities about gaining weight, and the fact that my sex drive comes and goes quicker than the seasons. But also because, it was becoming evident that my partner didnt find me as attractive as she once did. She started talking to teammates, and becoming very standoffish and shady. Going out with friends, and not texting (we text all day every day) and not talking. Our conversations revolved around the funny things so and so did, and how cute so and so was at practice when she (insert something ridiculous and uncute here).

Im not a jealous person, but i became jealous. The attention I wanted, the attraction i needed back from her, was being spent on someone else.

And then it happened. The confrontation. Are you sleeping with someone else? "No. But I really wanted to".

Great. What kept her from stopping (i dont fully believe there was stopping)? She loved me too much. Im hurt. Im shaking and crying and cannot get words out. But we decide to work on it.

This lasted a week. The days before she broke up with me she didnt talk to me for most of the day. I was trying to be lovey and cute and she wanted nothing to do with it. Id send her pictures of me in my lingerie, and she'd respond with "Haha, lovely". Just what every girl wants to hear.

And then one monday night (after what i thought was a fantastic sunday) it happened. I want to be friends. "OK", "Thats it?" she said. But at that point what else was I supposed to say. I cried for hours that night, and the next night, and pretty much every night after.

And after plenty of details I dont feel like dwelling upon, here I am. Fine all day, but once again i hop into bed, in the apartment we shared, and i begin to cry again. Its like clockwork.

Its just not fair; not the breakup itself, because they happen; but the fact that I have to be here in the apartment we decorated together, with all of her things still here, even after a month, and she gets to go off, and not see anything of ours daily, and live her life happily. Shes not surrounded by the memories of it all day after day after day.

I ask her when shes going to move her stuff out and she says "Im sorry but i have nowhere to put my stuff right now". Like that is my fault? Id understand if I broke us up, but it wasnt my idea, or my intention, so her stuff should no longer be my problem. So why dont I push it?

Becuase in some sick sad fantasy world I am living in post-breakup; it means that theres still a chance. Why do we hold on to people, even when they hurt us more than anyone ever has? I may have been cheated on. I have been told I am not attractive to her anymore. That I dont read enough, or do dishes properly, or am as interested in the things she likes as much as her. Like i couldnt say the same things back?!?! (Well not entirely the same, I had my own problems with little things she did). We were in a "rut that we might never get out of." And she hopes now I can be happy with myself and work on finding the things that make me happy again?

Do you know what the worst way to make someone happy is (besides yourself). Breaking up with them and telling everything they do wrong. Because in the end, it is all they will dwell on.

I have seen her 1 time in the past 4 weeks. Before this the longest we had ever gone without seeing each other was a week. Its so hard, and I cant imagine getting over it. I want to get over it. But all I do is imagine her, being free now, hooking up with the girl who broke us up. Or just hooking up with whomever. And im home, being sad because I cant motivate myself to go out as much as I could (plus I have a full apartments rent to pay, instead of half).

4 weeks of tears, and living on my own. I am learning different things every week though. I made chili for the first time this week, from scratch, which was always her specialty. I clean the apartment now more that I ever have before (long blonde hair sheds all over everything, especially when most of the furniture is black). Im really trying to work on me, be me again as a single entity, before I go exploring for anything else.

I know they say it takes time. Im giving it time, its all I have. And i know one day I will wake up and wonder why I was ever sad about this in the first place. It just sucks every day before that day of awakening actually happens.