but every once in a while...

Im usually ok. A lot has changed in the last 4 months. Ive really worked on moving on, and (re)living my own life again.

But every once in a while I feel like Ive reverted back to the beginning. The last time this happened was when the ex's new fling finally changed her relationship status to "In a relationship". I mean I knew it, but its one thing to know, and another thing to see something.

And then it leads my mind to wander about everything. I think the fact that the holidays are coming up make it worse. I think about halloween and how we wont be shopping last minute together for costumes. Or thanksgiving, and how critique everyone elses string bean casserole (mines the best) and then spend the friday after having seafood with my family, followed by rugby all day saturday (and complaining how bad the social is). Christmas - how ive written down everything she ever says she wanted in my planner, so i can pick the most perfect gifts, and how she stresses every year bc she has no clue what to get me. New years... no new years kiss. Ill be starting off this new year alone, well most likely, being that I have no flirting skills whatsoever. Believe me, ive tried over these past few months...but when they talk about people with absolutely no game, im pretty sure theyre basing it on me.

The sad part is, these differences are really only for me. She'll just have new traditions. Ill be working on trying not to focus on my lack of them.

I just wish she would actually TELL me they were dating. We still talk, a bit less than 2 months ago, when she was saying she wanted me back... but still enough (daily) that she should be able to say, Im dating ____ and thats that. But she wont. I even bring up their relationship in conversation and she always ignores it. i dont know if shes 1) trying to protect me from something, 2) just being shady, or 3) some other unknown reason.

I just wish i could be that person who breaks up with someone, hates them, and moves on. i cant close off communication no matter how much I try. I wont text her first, but the minute she texts me, i respond. Im like pavlovs dog.

I wish I could be a stronger person. I wish it could just become a thing in my past that i reflect upon once or twice a year. I wish I didnt still love someone who treated me like shit for the last months of our relationship, and left me alone in an apt we were supposed to share together. My bank account hates her, why cant I?

Alone

Good quote from the season finale of Greys

“There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.”

Looking forward

I dont appreciate being jerked around, and I feel thats whats been happening for the past month. I get that people dont know what they want, or miss an old life once in a while, but if you have no idea what you want, then dont bother screwing with me.

This has been my realization over the past few days. Ive stopped talking to the ex. Who knows if it will be forever, or a month, or another day... but it needed to be done. She was becoming bipolar and I just didnt want to deal, no, couldnt deal with it anymore.

Im an addictive personality. I know that if she texts it will take a lot for me to not respond. But I feel this is a step, and hopefully one in the right direction. I want to be happy, and for once, Im going to try really hard to make it happen.

Carpe Diem -  Seize the carp. :)