So since this is really for me, and no one else reads it, Ive decided I need to make a list of what hurt the most during and after the breakup. I dont know whats going to happen in the future, so I want to have a clear mind about everything that went wrong. This is purely for my own edification.
1. You were shady. You flirted, and though you may not have physically cheated, you emotionally did.
2. You stated you wanted to work on the relationship, and after a few days just broke it off.
3. I know this is because you wanted to sleep with someone else. In essence you left me for a thinner, younger, friskier model.
4. You were still shady after the breakup. You stated you wanted to be friends, then ignored me. Then a month later told me you missed me and wanted to come back. I gave you time to think it over, and you used that time to start dating the other girl. Never once did you tell me that you were dating though we talk almost every day. i had to find out from the internet.
5. You stayed with me through your birthday, because you wanted your gifts. A week later, this was over. You specifically told me you didnt know how much of staying together was because you loved me, or because I was so generous.
6. When you were questioning getting back together you stated "I dont think I will ever find someone who loves me as much as you do." I need someone who says "I dont think I will ever find someone I love as much as you"
7. You broke my heart a minimum of 3 times in the course of 5 months.
8. You left me in a city where none of my friends lived, in an apartment I had to pay for on my own, with all utilities/cable/other bills. And yet, you have the balls to complain to me about how broke you are.
9. Though its shallow, it hurt most that you took her on a picnic, when for 3.5 years I told you all I ever wanted was to go on one.
10. I am annoyed more with myself for still loving someone who could hurt me as much as you did. You couldnt be monogamous and work on things, because you really wanted to fuck someone else. Why would I still love someone who did that? And with other couples, if they get back together after something like this happens, how do you forgive and forget?
11. I understand I let our sex life die. I never felt like it was good enough for you, like I had no idea what I was doing with you. I apologize for that. This is a ridiculous self-conscious issue that I am now aware of, and will not allow to happen again in the next relationships to come.
I am not one of those people that mind being alone. I dont need to run from one relationship to another. I think the reason that this particular breakup is as bad as it is for me is that I dont have the people around me that I usually have. My friends are all an hour away, so its just me, in an apartment that is filled with things that remind me of our life together. I get out as much as I can, but with my sports season ending, and winter beginning its just going to be more difficult to get out. Also, with the way the breakup happened, and the person she went to after, my confidence has diminished. I used to be able to go out and talk to anyone. Im a shell of shyness now.
I need to get the fuck over it and start moving on. I need to start having confidence in me and my body again. I use this arena as a way to express when Im sad, but Im actually usually really happy with my life. I survived a breakup, and have a wonderful apartment that I am still able to (barely) afford. I still have enough money that I can go out and be social. Step by step, baby steps or not, Im moving on. It may not have been as quickly as you did, but the difference is that I go for quality.
